Young Writers Society

In reply to one of your replies, sorry about your grandpa. My regards.
In reply to your story, good job! I hope you didn't write this piece to dwell forever in forums all alone! If you did, I would have to berate you, because that would make it a pointless tale. It would sound like you are only writing to list the main things Redwall characters have at their wonderful feasts; like some sort of list, but in a more decorative manner. You probably said you were planning to write a sequel in one of your many replies to posts (forgive me for not reading all of them) however, so if that is so, disregard my last remark.
You are exceptional at grammer for being only eleven! I read lots of stories, and most of them are riddled with countless grammatical errors and such, but I could hardly find any in yours! Don't get me wrong, they're there, just not blatantly obvious, like some people's...
From your writing style and accurate descriptions, I would say you're a great Redwall fan. So am I. I love the stuff. Of course you've heard it before, but your writing style is similar to Brian Jacques. That's not a bad thing, though! Not to brag or anything, but I've been told my writing is similar to J.R.R Tolkien, which is awesome, because I love fantasy.
Holy flying cows look at that. I've accidentally given you a big review (by my standards, anyway)! Sorry about that. Bye, and keep up the good work!

I liked it, very descriptive, and well written.

There wasn't really that much content and I'm wondering if that is the whole of chapter one, or just the introduction? Anyway it is nice and sets the scene well. I don't really know much about Redwall feasts etc. but from what I have read it has the right aspects.

You should continue. I can't wait to see how the story unravels itself

Yes, I said that as a compliment. Please don't take it the wrong way! I really liked it. I liked it very very very very very very very very much. Also, If you have any ideas for anaother Redwall fanfic, please PM me.

Oh, Climber, it doesn't sound like you're copying! I didn't mean it that way...It just sounds like a professional writer wrote it and all that! It was supposed to be a compliment xD.

If it looks like I'm... copying, that's because i thought a fan-fic was where we wrote using the authors style to create another one. Sorry about that. Forgive?

I will try to fix what you pointed out, fluteluvr. Welcome to YWS, ANate145!

I think this is great! I was thinking of writing a Redwall story myself, but it looks like you could do it about three times better! I am a fan of Redwall books as well, and like others have said, it sounds like it came right out a Redwall book.

'Kay Climber, sorry for the extremely slow review. I'll be a lot faster next time! To make up for it, this review is going to be extremely long & hopefully helpful! So, nitpicks first.

From the diary of Deidan, historian and recorder of Redwall Abbey.

All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear the Dibbuns "helping" in the orchard.

It is the end of The Summer of the Copper Rose. We never did have such beautiful roses as this summer!

All these delicious drinks brewed by the Stickleback family are to be used at this coming feast.

My mind is overrun with thoughts about it. It is our good Abbess Latter Rose’s tenth jubilee.

They will soon traverse Mossflower and invite all the woodlanders to come to our feast when they are done.

Deidan, (Recorder of Redwall Abbey.)

*grins* How wonderful! You've captured the tone and atmosphere of Redwall very well. Almost a little too well. It's very much Brian Jacques's style of writing and I can imagine it coming from any of the real Redwall books--but I'd also like to see a bit more of your own voice. Also, as others have said, it wouldn't hurt to throw in some action and dialog, something to tug us along into the story. I enjoyed Deidan's descriptions of the season and feast, but maybe he could also narrate something interesting that happened during the day? The first inklings of a conflict that you'll expand later on? Just an idea!

Also, I generally dislike making "for your age" remarks, but I am very impressed that you've written this at just 11. Good work.

Yeah, I noticed those as my mom was viewing my story. It was only ten o'clock, and she wouldn't let me change it.

What do you mean, USED to be addicted to Redwall?

I'll fix those little errors. Just got back from my grandpa's memorial service.






-ClimberSquirrel

Good, job, I used to be addicted to all the Red Wall books. And for only being eleven you are doing a great job. I agree with some of the others that it would be hard to decide on a title for this as you are just starting out with it. Here are a few little mistakes I noticed off the top of my head...

Hmmm.. I something smell good! That

But first, I must was off this ink!

Aww shucks! lol:

I think I have time now to post more. Even though Ygaron is pestering me to get on, I should be able to squeeze this in as well as a storybook I'm making. *groans* Now Kyte wants to talk to his friends becuse tody is his Birth- Day. Wow, I ramble on a LOT!

[spoiler]Tarrel is a hare, and at the end of the story, she is going to be recorder.[/spoiler]

There, that should do it for now! I've added a little more to the description of the feast.



-ClimberSquirrel

Aww you're so gracious, and very talented for an 11year old or otherwise

Such wonderful compliments, and I'm only 11!

I only have time to edit the ending, Ygaron and Kyte's birth-day party is today. Ah well, such is the life of a young sister.

* bows formally* Thank you for your compliments, critiques, and helpful tips!

I better go before I over do it!




-ClimberSquirrel

The Summer of the Copper Rose

They are supposed to go

I’m off to the kitchens

If only my brothers could give me a critique like that! Thanks for pointing out the title thing. BTW, which books have you read? I've read all of them, unless any have come out since Eulailia.*Not sure if any have*


Thanks for your critique! I'll post more when I get a couple more critiques.






-ClimberSquirrel

I'm a big fan of the Redwall books, and this is probably the best fanfic I've read so far (but I haven't read many)! It would be hard to come up with a title at this point in the story, since we really don't know what's going to happen yet. Your descriptions were flawless, very similar in style to Brian Jacque's own. I'll have to follow this one and see where it leads! Very nice job!

Sorry it took so long to reply, but thanks for the suggestions! I think I'll change it to the end of Summer, because I have some better names for it. I was pretty desperate when I wrote the season name.

(But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. )

Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment.

If I didn't know I would of thought it was Brian Jaques himself. You have same writing style. and I mean that in a good way. (But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. )


excellent description. It makes me feel like I can smell it myself. good work

ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote:All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear [s]the abbey babes, known as the [/s]Dibbuns[s],[/s] helping in the orchard.

ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote:It is the beginning of The Autumn of the Fallen Leaves.

Hey, don't be in to much of a hurry, even though it's fanfiction. It's good to wait at least 3 days for other people to see and crit, and give them time to write one. Some people, (including me) read something, leave, and then the next day come back and crit it.
IMHO a character entry would work best, you wouldn't even need dialogue; kindof picture it, an otter, or something, walking through the shade of oak trees on some green mossy bankside. Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment.
Then flipping to your wonderful first chapter introduction the story could proceed to develop.
Since this is fanfiction you aren't copying anything at all, as far as I can tell, as long as it's not exactly the same thing, you're good.

And I have no idea for a title yet, though it's not really needed for a while anyway.

Snap... I write long reponses..

RW

Thanks, I'll add in more A.S.A.P. I'll pm you when I've added it. Should I add the action or dialogue/character entry before or after the entry? As for the beginning, I read part of Mattimeo, and made my own characters and diary entry. I changed a few things and added some, so I'm not actually copying it, am I? BTW, any suggestions on the title? I still haven't. Maybe if I add more I'll think of one. Thanks again!







-ClimberSquirrel

Hey,

Pretty good work!

I saw no grammar mistakes, and the way it is read, it could almost come right out of Redwall.
Simply said though, before this piece, some action, or at least some dialogue/enter a character is needed, because even in the spirit of classic Redwall feasts, (of which this does an excellent job of describing) this is kinda boring for an introduction.

As an introduction for the first chapter however this would work great. And since this is just fanfiction which isn't exactly writing stories (debatable) I applaud you!

RW